Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews Band

Maybe different, but remember
Winters warm there you and I,
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
The river swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I,
with muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
IT WAS GOOD AS GOOD GOES
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee,
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us...
It was good good love.
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of today's afternoons, hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did

DID I DO ALL THAT I SHOULD
THAT I COULD'A DONE?

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me?
What day is this
Besides the day you went?

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoons, hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
DID I DO ALL THAT I COULD?

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this?
Besides the day you left me
What day is this?






You see, no matter how 'over' someone you are, Christmas has that ability to make you miss everyone more, even those that are enjoying the season with new people in their lives. Maybe it's the cold, maybe it's the Christmas commercials, or maybe it's the thousands of miles distance. Whatever it is, it's a time to look back on what was Christmas Day last year, and what IS Christmas Day this year.

Still wishing you your fairy tale ending,

On to better things...

So lately I've lived off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, occasionally "dining out" with the help of the dollar menu. I've had little to no money in my pocket, my clothes are limited as it's getting colder and colder, food had disappeared, and just in general I was beginning to resemble the American economy personified.

But then last week I got a job at a spiffy fine dining regional Italian restaurant. I'm working like 50 hours a week, plus any shifts I pick up for other people. I get free food and wine.

The staff is super nice and around my age. The restaurant is a well-known, fine dining establishment with a dining room for about 60 people upstairs, a full service bar, and a basement wine cellar and party room that can hold an additional 15-20 person dinner party. According to NYMag, the price range is a '$$$' [expensive] on a $ to $$$$ scale. So tips can be very nice. The management is new, professional, but very easy going.

I'm building a resume, meeting new people, making money, becoming more grounded, learning Italian, learning Italian wines, learning Italian cuisine, being fed for free, AND I got a $300 check in the mail yesterday for being a SAG background character.



That's all! :)
Oh. And I love the Scissor Sisters, U2, and Phil Collins right now.

Solitary Man

Sweet!!

Yesterday I was in Solitary Man, with Michael Douglas, playing a college hipster. We basically smoked hookah all day, lol,

Now that I'm back and able to get parts again, I need to figure out how to get better representation so I can get auditions for the bigger parts. I hear they're already planning the new Twilight movie, 'New Moon', and I've always wanted to be in a vampire flick. :)

Until next time!!

A Change of Heart

I just had a spiritual revelation of sorts. I was reading an old
friend's Facebook note about the word 'tolerance' in relation to
Christianity, and it all sort of clicked. A lot of the answers I've
been looking for, signs for change, a nudge in the right direction.

The difference between "unconditional love" and "love with tolerance"
is the difference of my happiness to my current struggles. With the
complications of the Bible and the hypocrisy of the church, I have
changed my theological views to a more minimalistic nature - God is
Love. In this way I can dissociate myself from the Christian
stereotypes I don't like, but I can still love God and love Love and
love others without any limits or boundaries. But I've been loving in
err. That is a love of tolerance. A misunderstanding of what
unconditional Love is.

Jesus preached a true Love. He hated sin, but loved the sinners.
Elementary, I know, but this is gold to me right now, so leave me be.
:)

Jesus' revolutionary Love, what was amazing then and manages to
withstand the test of time, is that he walked an impossible balance of
Love and hate. He ripped God's children from their sin and clearly
stated which he loved and which he hated as if the two were strangers.
THAT is unconditional love: being able to tear each person from what
they DO, recognize them as a child of God, and love them.

The past few years I have loved with tolerance; even to the point of
encouraging friends to do this or that, because it "isn't that bad"
and I will love them regardless. That was my old understanding of
unconditional love. That is how I separated myself from Christians AND
sinners. I was asked on a daily basis "God or the world?" in which
case I defiantly answered "other", being left with nothing.

I can't even begin to describe the joy presently welling up in my eyes
for the chance to be asked again today, and for the privilege to
change my answer.



Credits [in order of appearance today]:

God
Won't Stop by OneRepublic
"tolerance?" Facebook note by Courtney Cox
30 minute phone call to Mom

Quick update:

My laptop is dead. I sent it in yesterday, so I'll have another week of borrowing the roomie's laptop.

I'm getting fun and random credits from IMDB and Wikipedia for my role as Robert Mapplethorpe in Ang Lee's "Taking Woodstock". It's exciting to be involved in one of his films, much less to have a part in the buzz that's going on online about it.

I was able to work on "Bored to Death" with Ted Dansen, also. I'm excited about working on "Gossip Girl" and "Ugly Betty" in the next couple of weeks, but I'm submitting myself to the local soaps as well - "As The World Turns", "Guiding Light", "One Life to Live", and "All My Children" will all be hearing from me!

I shot with Steve Reganato last week and it was a total blast!! I should be getting the CD in the next day or two and I'll add those photos up ASAP. I'm shooting with an upcoming female model this weekend, Christi Duncan, and then later next week, my new friend Daniel P. who mysteriously will remain as Daniel P.

And I'm craving Applebee's.

That's about it for my update! :) Be back soon.

I just want to say...

... that there were some drop dead gorgeous women at the filming tonight. I just can't stop thinking about them. Wow. So what it was a 11 hour day, from 4 PM to 3:30 AM and I'm just getting home?

I got to meet them. And I see them on Monday.

[drools]

I'm jus' sayin'.

The List Goes On...

- Make my kids laugh so hard they pee their pants
- Save someone's life
- Remind my wife how much I love her with something romantically insane once a week
- Vandalize a public wall with beautiful artwork [see "Banksy"]
- Preach a little "time for change" at a church
- Travel to Italy and learn Italian
- Be a celebrity's secret side dish
- Make woopie with my wife in a public place
- Be famous*
- Start an annual Woodstock of sorts for a charity
- Die an old, silly man who tells the best stories and is always full of shinannigans

* I hope to be famous for acting and modeling, not for being on COPS because I was caught making woopie with my wife in a public place.

My family...

... :)

Thanks to my family for always supporting me in life - in the pursuit of my passions, in my risks and hard times, my most vulnerable times, and now as my work begins to pay off.

My biggest fans. :) :) :)

My first gay website...

www.homotrophy.com/model/new-face-joshua-mccaghren/

Hahahaha!! Loves it.

UPDATE : New images from Shamal...

Last night Richard and I went on a tour de bars. It was amazing. We went to Coyote Ugly at one point which was a blast. They stay true to their reputation there - rowdy crowd, pouring liquors over people shirtless, dancing up on the bar... all while keeping true to the Ugly in their name. Oh well. They looked better with every passing song[/drink]. Got home at 4:30. Twas fun!

I'm meeting with Click Wednesday morning, and then I'm going to be a young Robert Mapplethorpe in Ang Lee's new film "Taking Woodstock". We're filming in a club in Chelsea. It'll be exciting to be on a set again. :)

I'm a bad boy...

... 'cuz I don't even miss her,

I'm a bad boy for breakin' her heart.

And I'm free (free fallin', fallin').

Yesterday was a miraculous day. I got a job at the HK Lounge, and while I was on the phone with my parents to tell them of such good fortune, Click calls and says they're interested in possibly representing me and they'd like to set up an interview with me.

HHHHHHWOAH.

Everything is working out really well right now. I'm getting photos from Shamal soon that are sooo badass. Al is going to shoot with me this weekend because his computer crashed and our files were lost - SUPER NICE OF HIM! I got a $150 check in the mail today. Aaaand to top it all off, I found $10 in a pair of pants that were shipped in a caremail package from home. :)

Life is good.

I might not get a contract offer from Click. Nothing is certain. But Click can't take away the photos I'm about to get, the progresses I'm making, my $150 check, OR my $10!! So whammy. And if they're going to meet with me I can only assume the least they will do is give me 15 minutes of their time and if I'm not exactly what they're looking for, which I am, they can tell me what I need to do.

What a better way to end the day than a recap of all the blessings you have, whilst listening to John Mayer? I'm purrrrdy sure that's as good as it gets.

...but who knows. Maybe there are much greater things in store for me come this Wednesday. :)

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go, far away
I know you'll find another slave

Just riding the waves...

If there ever comes a day that I feel so complete, so satisfied, to not know what is next for me, it is that day that I will surrender to the tides.

So far, I have watched people criticize, people "warn", people dream and do nothing, people fail, people fall. There is a constant gravity of doubt and "other paths" that will eat away at you if you let it. Let them gossip about their hardships, complain about the competition; let them spread doubt and the common intimidation - they're all making it easier for me to ride the waves.

I've come so far so quickly. I have so much to be thankful for and so many people supporting me, but most importantly is that I have so much left to do. I see "celebrities" on MTV - you know, the ones who are known for making it on that one season of The Real World and are known for their current Myspace. The problem with these people is their inability to anticipate the future - they care only about the cheap thrills and immediate benefits of so-called fame. I'd give an example, but I don't know their names.

So I say again, if there ever comes a day that I feel so complete, so satisfied, to not know what is next for me, it is that day that I will surrender to the tides. But as for right now, I have a busy day tomorrow. A flame to pour gasoline on, a dream to live: baby steps in what I will soon become.

Equus wasss...

... unbelievable. Inspiring. Phenomenal.

I loved this production!!

It makes me want to get back into theatre as well as see ALL of the Broadway shows. I'm in lust. New York swoons me once again. In the last few days I've been offered contracts by two agencies, set up a couple of photo shoots here in NYC, made several contacts in Toronto for further shooting, joined a gym and had my first [nearly fatal] personal training session, scrounged two tickets to see Equus on Broadway for FREE, and rediscovered my love for the arts - scultpure and theatre.

Only. In. New York.

I'm so happy right now. :)

Jon and I were talking after the show about how sometimes you catch yourself thinking, "wow, I'm really here - really living in the greatest city in America"... specifically after seeing the Broadway show and strolling through Time Square. It's times like these that I know beyond a doubt that every motion of my past, whether immediately recognized as "good" or "bad", was ultimately part of that Divine Plan. Times like these that confirm this is my fate.

I'm living the dream.




Random list of things to do before I die:

- Have a single art exhibit of my works
- Write a book for poetry and another book to inspire youth
- Be a part of the production of a Broadway play
- Skydive
- Leave a legacy such as my own charity or fundraising event to give new hope to people
- To live a life that impacts others in such a way that I can live on through those I've touched
- To die, having exhausted my abilities, for something I care about
- Sing John Mayer songs slightly intoxicated at a pub or lounge
- Sing lullabys to my children as they go to sleep
- Sing to my wife in front of a large crowd
- Learn to sing
- Be in a movie
- Get a large campaign gig for modeling
- Remain faithful in my passion of Love
- Make my kids laugh so hard they pee their pants

Today I caught a glimpse of my future...

... she lives just outside L.A., dreams big, and is independent. So independent in fact, that she isn't phased by all of the sleazy guys that are after her for her looks. So focused that she knows that she'll find someone and doesn't feel the pressure to settle with just anyone.

She's a good girl, making it on her own. She knows what she wants in life and she knows her potential. She knows she's beautiful, but she never compromises herself and she remains a genuine person.

She's going to have to wait a couple more years.



... and earlier this week, not far from her is a young writer putting together another sitcom. He's jotting down the basic ideas and characters, one of which describes me pretty well. The show has a decent following, but is remembered primarily as the "stepping stone" for two of the characters to greater careers.

It'll still be a couple of years for him to get it straightened out, and get everyone on board before they started casting for such an investment.




... the stars are aligning, Fate has heard my voice, and intervention has begun. Actually, this all started a couple millenia ago, way before I asked for it. But now it's within site. It's starting to manifest.

Stay tuned. :)

Farewell to my old hair...

... hello to the new 'do.

Carlos and I bonded today. It was amazing. Haircuts, art galleries, late lunch, free wine - all in Chelsea. Totally had a gay day.

I'm so lucky to have the roomies I have. They're all such great genuine people, which has been so rare for me to find lately. It seems all of the people I tend to know or meet or hang out with have a hidden agenda or it's for business reasons that we're shaking hands and enjoying a drink. These guys are just awesome people.

The possibilities in New York are endless, as always, and today I was reminded of how many things I still want to do. The last few days especially I've been searching for more ways to be involved, to experience more, to learn more, to do more, and today there was .... well... even more.

Money is getting tighter still, but opportunities will come and a way will be presented. No worries. It's all gravy, baby.

The irony of my current situation...

... is that I can't rid myself of this chick-flick ending until someone else captures me and I dive in deeper into a new flick.

... is that I don't have the time to find a new love because I'm too busy and focused on what I want right now, but the flings that I have plenty of time for I can't bring myself to have.

... is that in the midst of chasing all of my dreams and being content in everything I have, I am completely discontent in the one thing I can never have.

... is that my life is on the exact path I want for my future, but I can't leave my past.

... is that I can't tell which is my true heart's desire - the life I live daily or the girl I dream about every night.



I do believe I am fucked.

This would be the ideal time for me to take off in my career and captivate my mind so I don't have time for sleep... for dreaming or regrets.

Either way, intercourse is in my future - good or bad.

Blogging It Out

I love New York. I love my life. At no other time or place can I be actively modeling, bartending, catering, working on my portfolio, networking, and getting a little shmaisted now and then... with the free time to create a blog.

Love it.

It's been so long since I've been writing. This really doesn't compare to pen and paper, though. There's something much more physical and intimate with ink than just clicking away at a keyboard.. but we'll give it a chance. If I write something worth repeating in a notebook, I'll add it here.

I'm toaaad-ally opening up to this city. Today is the epitome of experiencing the new. I've been joining Yoga groups and Skydiving groups; RSVPing for fashion events; jotting down some concepts for shoots; enrolling at a gym.. my toes are working their way through the dirt. Give me some water, baby - I'm so in.

Love it!



[P.S. You're still invading my dreams, and it's not fair. It's been 7 months. I'd like my heart back now. FedEx express, please?]

Current song: Hold On My Heart - Genesis