And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go, far away
I know you'll find another slave

Just riding the waves...

If there ever comes a day that I feel so complete, so satisfied, to not know what is next for me, it is that day that I will surrender to the tides.

So far, I have watched people criticize, people "warn", people dream and do nothing, people fail, people fall. There is a constant gravity of doubt and "other paths" that will eat away at you if you let it. Let them gossip about their hardships, complain about the competition; let them spread doubt and the common intimidation - they're all making it easier for me to ride the waves.

I've come so far so quickly. I have so much to be thankful for and so many people supporting me, but most importantly is that I have so much left to do. I see "celebrities" on MTV - you know, the ones who are known for making it on that one season of The Real World and are known for their current Myspace. The problem with these people is their inability to anticipate the future - they care only about the cheap thrills and immediate benefits of so-called fame. I'd give an example, but I don't know their names.

So I say again, if there ever comes a day that I feel so complete, so satisfied, to not know what is next for me, it is that day that I will surrender to the tides. But as for right now, I have a busy day tomorrow. A flame to pour gasoline on, a dream to live: baby steps in what I will soon become.

Equus wasss...

... unbelievable. Inspiring. Phenomenal.

I loved this production!!

It makes me want to get back into theatre as well as see ALL of the Broadway shows. I'm in lust. New York swoons me once again. In the last few days I've been offered contracts by two agencies, set up a couple of photo shoots here in NYC, made several contacts in Toronto for further shooting, joined a gym and had my first [nearly fatal] personal training session, scrounged two tickets to see Equus on Broadway for FREE, and rediscovered my love for the arts - scultpure and theatre.

Only. In. New York.

I'm so happy right now. :)

Jon and I were talking after the show about how sometimes you catch yourself thinking, "wow, I'm really here - really living in the greatest city in America"... specifically after seeing the Broadway show and strolling through Time Square. It's times like these that I know beyond a doubt that every motion of my past, whether immediately recognized as "good" or "bad", was ultimately part of that Divine Plan. Times like these that confirm this is my fate.

I'm living the dream.




Random list of things to do before I die:

- Have a single art exhibit of my works
- Write a book for poetry and another book to inspire youth
- Be a part of the production of a Broadway play
- Skydive
- Leave a legacy such as my own charity or fundraising event to give new hope to people
- To live a life that impacts others in such a way that I can live on through those I've touched
- To die, having exhausted my abilities, for something I care about
- Sing John Mayer songs slightly intoxicated at a pub or lounge
- Sing lullabys to my children as they go to sleep
- Sing to my wife in front of a large crowd
- Learn to sing
- Be in a movie
- Get a large campaign gig for modeling
- Remain faithful in my passion of Love
- Make my kids laugh so hard they pee their pants

Today I caught a glimpse of my future...

... she lives just outside L.A., dreams big, and is independent. So independent in fact, that she isn't phased by all of the sleazy guys that are after her for her looks. So focused that she knows that she'll find someone and doesn't feel the pressure to settle with just anyone.

She's a good girl, making it on her own. She knows what she wants in life and she knows her potential. She knows she's beautiful, but she never compromises herself and she remains a genuine person.

She's going to have to wait a couple more years.



... and earlier this week, not far from her is a young writer putting together another sitcom. He's jotting down the basic ideas and characters, one of which describes me pretty well. The show has a decent following, but is remembered primarily as the "stepping stone" for two of the characters to greater careers.

It'll still be a couple of years for him to get it straightened out, and get everyone on board before they started casting for such an investment.




... the stars are aligning, Fate has heard my voice, and intervention has begun. Actually, this all started a couple millenia ago, way before I asked for it. But now it's within site. It's starting to manifest.

Stay tuned. :)

Farewell to my old hair...

... hello to the new 'do.

Carlos and I bonded today. It was amazing. Haircuts, art galleries, late lunch, free wine - all in Chelsea. Totally had a gay day.

I'm so lucky to have the roomies I have. They're all such great genuine people, which has been so rare for me to find lately. It seems all of the people I tend to know or meet or hang out with have a hidden agenda or it's for business reasons that we're shaking hands and enjoying a drink. These guys are just awesome people.

The possibilities in New York are endless, as always, and today I was reminded of how many things I still want to do. The last few days especially I've been searching for more ways to be involved, to experience more, to learn more, to do more, and today there was .... well... even more.

Money is getting tighter still, but opportunities will come and a way will be presented. No worries. It's all gravy, baby.

The irony of my current situation...

... is that I can't rid myself of this chick-flick ending until someone else captures me and I dive in deeper into a new flick.

... is that I don't have the time to find a new love because I'm too busy and focused on what I want right now, but the flings that I have plenty of time for I can't bring myself to have.

... is that in the midst of chasing all of my dreams and being content in everything I have, I am completely discontent in the one thing I can never have.

... is that my life is on the exact path I want for my future, but I can't leave my past.

... is that I can't tell which is my true heart's desire - the life I live daily or the girl I dream about every night.



I do believe I am fucked.

This would be the ideal time for me to take off in my career and captivate my mind so I don't have time for sleep... for dreaming or regrets.

Either way, intercourse is in my future - good or bad.

Blogging It Out

I love New York. I love my life. At no other time or place can I be actively modeling, bartending, catering, working on my portfolio, networking, and getting a little shmaisted now and then... with the free time to create a blog.

Love it.

It's been so long since I've been writing. This really doesn't compare to pen and paper, though. There's something much more physical and intimate with ink than just clicking away at a keyboard.. but we'll give it a chance. If I write something worth repeating in a notebook, I'll add it here.

I'm toaaad-ally opening up to this city. Today is the epitome of experiencing the new. I've been joining Yoga groups and Skydiving groups; RSVPing for fashion events; jotting down some concepts for shoots; enrolling at a gym.. my toes are working their way through the dirt. Give me some water, baby - I'm so in.

Love it!



[P.S. You're still invading my dreams, and it's not fair. It's been 7 months. I'd like my heart back now. FedEx express, please?]

Current song: Hold On My Heart - Genesis